Chasing drinks and dreams.

My heart aches. I just want to see your face and kiss your lips and hold you in my arms again. That’s all I want. 

Cowardice.

There are things I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of failing, of disappointing, of dying alone. I’m afraid of not being accepted by my dad for loving who I love. 

I’m not afraid of talking about you. Not one bit. I talk about you all of the time. I’m proud of you. You’re a wonderful person that has done a world of good for me. 

He met you. He liked you. My mother and brother both adore you. Yet I can’t bring myself to tell my dad that you’re more than just a good friend to me.

My memory might be soaked by alcohol and not work as well as it used to…

but at least I can still remember every little thing I love about you.

We’ve both got big dreams.

You’re joining the military. I’m applying for the Peace Corps. That means you’ll be abroad. That means I’ll be abroad. No matter what happens I’ll be happy for you. I’ll support you in no matter what you decide to do, whatever happens with us.

I hate that I’ve found everything I’ve ever wanted and more and it’s currently an hour and twenty minutes away from me.

I was just thinking “I can’t wait to go home…”

What’s funny is that I’m already home. My parents’ house is home. I was thinking about being with you. I miss you more than words can say and I know I sound whiny and miserable…

I tend to make everything in my life a challenge.

This actually feels like one. This is hard. I need you. I miss you. I literally ache. I can’t keep the tears from falling. I had been good all day and now it’s just the fact that I’m awake, I’m alone, and I wish your arms were around me. I love you. Desperately. 

I’m not half as good without you. You’re so good for me, you make me so endlessly happy and now I feel like I’m missing all the things that make me, well, me.

I hope time flies and I can see you again soon. I’m so tired of being alone. I’m so tired of missing you. I just want to hold you and kiss you and snuggle with you and have you tickle me until I can’t breathe and have someone to tell my stories to and listen to your heartbeat. 

I feel so pathetic and so lost… I hope to god this gets easier.

We’ve both realized I’m leaving. A few hours apart mind you, but we have realized it. I can’t deny that I’m scared. I’m scared tar one day you will wake up and not have the same feelings for me anymore. I’m scared you’ll forget that I love you as much as I do.

I haven’t been able to stop crying since I woke up. I couldn’t stop crying before going to sleep.

I know nothing will change. I will still love you tomorrow night and next week and next month just as much as I love you right now, today, and yesterday when I’m here in your arms.

Just don’t forget that.

I really can’t fucking win.

I know you guys want me home, and I know I need to start work. But seriously, it all can wait. I want to enjoy the first and probably last little bit of freedom and of my summer with her. I won’t see her again for a while, and I know she’s leaving for the Navy soon. Just let me have it. Let me enjoy it. Please.

I’m so sad now. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I love her, I want to enjoy what little time I have left with her as much as I can.